Love comes to Castle Carfax

[Castle Carfax. Clouds threaten the castle, dropping a light but persistent rain. The small dining room is decorated with roses and hearts.] [Ewww -Ed.]

Igor? Where are you, man?

Here, marthter!

Do you know what day it is today, Igor?

Ummm… your birthday, thir?

No, you fool, that’s not for months yet!

Ith it my birthday, thir?”

Even more wrong. No, it’s St Valentine’s day, the annual festival of love and romance. I shall require you to prepare a special dinner tonight.

Thall I fetch the poithon thelection from the tocthin pantry, thir?

No, not that kind of “special”! I want a dozen oysters, tagliatelle in puttanesca sauce, and that crème brulée to your grand… err… mother’s recipe. Plus the box of nice chocolates on the table in the private sitting room. Oh, and a bottle of the good Sauternes. Make that two.

For two, thir? Congratulathionth!

For one, Igor. For one, as always. I’ll be eating at eight.

I’m thorry, thir, I can’t therve at eight. It’ll have to be at thicth.

At six? What’s wrong with you?

No, thir, you gave me the evening off. Latht week.

Why would I do something as silly as that? Have you been playing with the mind control lasers again?

No, thir. It’th jutht that… well, I’ve got a date thith evening.

Well, honestly. It’s just not good enough. Make sure it doesn’t happen again!

I’ll try not to, thir.

Crossword: 14905